Ahh, first loves. I remember I tried to put off falling in love for awhile. Even though that sounds ridiculous because you can’t help who you fall in love with. But I was nervous to fall in love I guess, mostly because I hadn’t found someone I was really into. I had liked other guys, but never had been madly in love like you hear people talk about. And then one day, it snuck up on me out of nowhere and I was like oh shit, I’m not in control of this. I love him. But then about two months after I realized this…
He cheated on me. He told me how sorry he was. I forgave him because it was a long distance relationship and we weren’t super “official” and so I tried to brush it off. He told me that I was his girlfriend though, and that he cheated and felt awful. Then, a month later he stopped talking to me so he could go out with that girl, who he had maintained a relationship with while still talking to me. He didn’t tell me all this though, he just stopped talking to me and then told me “distance was the problem”. I asked if there was someone else and he said no, so I believed him.
The next day, he posted on Instagram a picture of the girl, calling her “my love” and talking about how excited he was to see her next. My stomach went into my throat.
I remember calling my friend balling. I was so hurt and sad. I was sad he thought so little of me and our friendship. I tried to let it go but it was hard. The weeks rolled on and I still thought about him all the time. I felt stupid thinking about him, but he was the only guy I had ever really loved. I knew there were plenty of other guys out there, but I only wanted him. I compared new guys to him and nobody was good enough. I missed our talks, seeing his name pop up on my phone, and having him in my life. For 3/4 more months I let him go and went out with other guys, but deep down I still missed him.
Then, six months later, he texted me. He apologized for everything and wanted our friendship back. I thought I was being all “spiritual” by letting him back in my life, just as friends, so I said yes. I figured it was good to forgive. Which it is, but that doesn’t mean you need to be a door mat. After a couple months of talking we ended up dating again for a few months until I realized I didn’t want to be in a relationship with this guy at all. So, I broke up with him. I still wondered if I would find a guy I liked just as much, but I couldn’t deal with that relationship anymore. It caused tons of stress and barely any happiness.
SOOOO. Like six weeks later I remember being at work and it hit me. I had no feelings left for him. I felt nothing. I wasn’t angry or sad. I wasn’t wondering what he was up to. I just didn’t care. I searched around for the love I had felt for him, but it was gone. I didn’t understand how you could be so in love with someone and then feel nothing at all. But it was liberating. I finally saw the relationship and him clearly. I should have moved on LONG before I actually did, but I learned a lot through the whole process.
Just know, those feelings that you are certain will never leave, the wondering of will I ever love someone that much again… it will fade entirely. Maybe you don’t believe me now, but one day you will. I laugh now when I think about how in love I was, how much time I spent thinking about him, it was all so silly. There is not one part of me that misses him. I wish him the best, but that doesn’t mean I need him to be in my life.
You will get over this, I promise. And when you do, you are going to laugh at the fact you never thought you’d get over him.